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Ha Ha ETc
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
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Some Bill Clinton Q&A
Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.
Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
A: All pants half off.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.
Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here."
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Company Bill Clinton
One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.
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Some unique Bill Clinton Jokes
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?"
Bill Clinton replied, "No, some begin with 'After I'm elected'."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
Clinton's revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
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Now some political jokes
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!
Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance,
a condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.
Al Gore's wife held a press conference today at the White House where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Al, and wearing no panties,
astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
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Some other jokes...
MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and pretty.
One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary who was quite witty said, "Why no Mr. Smith.
500 Ways To Piss Off Your Room-mate, Fun Things To Do in a Public Toilet, The Shit List and More!
500 Ways To Piss Of Your Room-mate
Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot.
Talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Become a subgenius.
Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Speak in tongues.
Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca") almost inaudibly.
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
Collect all your urine in a small jug.
Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ballpoint pens.
Smile. All the time.
Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho-Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush. When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
Shave off one of your roommate's eyebrows. Comment repeatedly on how it makes him/her look younger.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
Cry a lot.
Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's e-mail.
Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
Follow him/her around on weekends.
Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
Let mice loose in his/her room.
Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
Skip to the bathroom.
Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find them.
Whenever you're on the phone and s/he walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes, then call whoever it was back.
Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
Use a bible as Kleenex.
Burn incense.
Eat moths.
Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
Collect Chia Pets.
Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
Urinate in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Each night before you go to bed, take a big swig from the jar.
Don't ever flush.
Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
Lick him/her while they are asleep.
Dress in drag.
Buy Lay's potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him, "No one can eat just one."
Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the grass" sign.
Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army.
Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair in the sink. See how long it takes your roommate to notice.
Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think your roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off the humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your roommate's bed.
Set off the smoke alarm in your room and tell the fire department your roommate was smoking.
Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
Sleep face down under your mattress on a bunkbed and stare at your roommate all night through the springs.
Wear ammonia as a cologne.
Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up.
Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations. Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until s/he leaves.
Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into this world if s/he does.
Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
Wear nothing but tightie-whities whenever your roommate has guests.
Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell him/her you know they're all watching you.
Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk. Tell your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key.
Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that your roommate is disgusting and show them.
Start a new-wave cult. Hold nightly candle-lit rituals in your room with your followers.
Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your roommate of stealing gum.
Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout, "Animal killer!"
Get a friend to leave a phone message for you with your roommate, saying the test results came back positive. When your roommate tells you, cough, faint, and then refuse to discuss it.
Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
Put no-doze pills in your roommate's drinks.
Set your alarm clock for three o'clock. Push the doze button every 5 minutes when it beeps for the next five hours, each time telling your roommate that you'll wake up in five minutes.
Get your roommate's social security number. Call the registrar and switch all of his/her classes. Tell your roommate at the end of the term that the Philosophical Environmental Anthropology exam is supposed to be really hard. Wish him/her luck.
Play Dungeons & Dragons all the time. Tell your roommate to obey you because you are the Dungeon Master. Attack invisible dragons with a cardboard sword.
Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.
Learn to play an accordion.
Make a contract with the Mafia to kill your roommate. Become a born-again Christian and dreadfully regret your actions. Explain to your roommate the situation, how sorry you are, and that there is nothing you can do to prevent the hit. Try to convert your roommate before s/he dies.
Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that you were just trying to "loosen up" the room.
Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative karma.
Whenever your roommate gets clothes back from the laundry, hide them. Then wear some every day until you have removed all the stolen clothes from hiding and they are all now dirty. Ask your roommate to wash them again.
Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing but quotes for three weeks.
Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).
Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever your roommate comes in. If s/he complains, tell him/her s/he is being prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species. Call him/her a bigot.
Sign up your roommate for all the radical organizations on campus. If they call, tell them s/he is very interested in and in favor of their cause.
Buy seven different colored yo-yo's. Practice with them seven hours a day, alternating yo-yo's on the hour.
Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead.
When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronization.
Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"
Buy forty two-liter bottles of generic soda. Dump out one bottle. Every time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty one. Do so until you have thirty-nine bottles of urine. Complain to your roommate that generic soda tastes awful.
Order five anchovy pizzas in your roommate's name. When the deliverer arrives, tell them that your roommate likes to play jokes on the pizza place and then your roommate lies about his/her ordering. Tell them where s/he is.
Put in your contacts when you go to bed. Scream in agony as you rip them from your bloody eyelids in the morning. Put them in again that night. Complain to your roommate that you just can't see a darned thing anymore.
Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If s/he asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that s/he do the same.
"Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what s/he is talking about.
Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When s/he comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much longer."
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time s/he coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here somewhere."
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that s/he hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He/She just didn't belong."
Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him/her "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who the hell do you think you are? A king?"
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless s/he says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that s/he has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If s/he asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
Shave off one of your eyebrows. Look at your profile in the mirror for hours each day; first one side, then the other. Every three minutes, remark to your roommate, "Something looks different..." When s/he comments on your eyebrow, look surprised and ask when your one eyebrow appeared.
Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If s/he asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
Talk like a pirate, all the time. Refer to your roommate as "matey." Threaten to make him/her walk the plank if s/he doesn't swab the deck.
Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If s/he asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
Carve a jack-o'lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks s/he has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o'lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When s/he returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If s/he tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before s/he goes to class.
Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man/woman to find.
Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until s/he does so.
Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
Recite Dr. Seuss books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them loudly and directly to your roommate. If s/he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets.
Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said 'hi.'"
Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that s/he looked like "the enemy."
Put headphones on your roommate while s/he is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
Whenever your roommate has company, walk over into the middle of the room and sit down cross-legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket, leaving one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it in your mouth. Make loud chewing noises as you chew on the string. If anybody says anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and continue to chew while staring, unfocused, straight ahead.
Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, "That looks good..." as you highlight passages in the book.
Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes, snakes!"
Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate's name. Complain that you never get mail.
Wear your clothing backwards and walk around the room backwards.
Carry a pair of walkie-talkies with you at all times. Insist that s/he use one when ever s/he wants to talk to you.
Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly, come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours.
Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the dorm every morning.
Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
Start a brothel.
Constantly slip and fall on your carpet.
Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure s/he follows it.
Invite the Dean to sleep over.
Invite the school President to sleep over.
Invite your roommate to sleep over.
Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
Walk into walls.
Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."
Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until s/he comes out.
Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby.
Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.
Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.
Wear a silly hat.
Tell him/her that you're committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed.
Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you're afraid of aliens.
Eat raw pasta for dinner.
Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.
Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.
Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and say, "I bought it for the articles."
Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet for five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, "Damn diarrhea."
Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.
Carve grotesque, morbid, and/or erotic pictures into your bedframe with a butcher knife.
Place porn mags, both soft- and hard-core, around the room. Buy ten or twenty jars of Vaseline. Stack them in a pile in a corner on the floor. Whenever your roommate is expecting company, smear your hands with Vaseline. When greeting them, shake hands vigorously for a minute.
Whenever you're talking to your roommate, add extra words to your sentences ("Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?"). When talking to other people around your roommate, add his/her name to your conversation ("Can you give me the -Dan- notes for Friday's physics class?"). If your roommate comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.
Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don't play anything coherent. Play "Hot Cross Buns" or similar three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect.
Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.
Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten Mesopotamian foot soldiers in full battle array.
Burn candles at night. Yell at your roommate if s/he turns on any light and claim that they'll scare "your friends" away.
Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when all his/her beer is gone. Be convincing.
Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!!
Whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing his/her clothes.
Hide all your roommate's stuff and tell him/her that s/he never lived with you. Extra points if s/he checks with the housing director.
Give your roommate a plastic bag. Ask him/her to shit in it because your pet dung beetles are hungry.
Borrow your roommate's clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like they were yours all along.
Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.
If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in and out through the window. Claim doctor's orders.
Hide under a pile of dirty clothes in the closet. Twitch a lot and mutter, "They can't suck my brain if they can't find me!"
Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer one to your roommate.
Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.
Talk about your roommate to the little man who lives in your pocket.
Groom yourself like a cat.
Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are granted audience with Zontar, High Lord of Saria 3.
Organize a black mass. Tell your roommate that the sacrifice backed out at the last minute and if s/he would volunteer.
Say everything in Pig Latin.
Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them.
Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
Funnel Pepsi.
Spend all of your money on Alvin and the Chipmunks records. Play them constantly. Say that it's an assignment for your "Popular Music in the Youth Subculture" class.
Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a ball and store it on your roommate's bed.
Paint a mural depicting Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo on your roommate's mattress. Hand it in to your art teacher for a grade.
Refuse to wash your underwear. Say that you are trying to prove LaMarck's theory of spontaneous generation.
Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate's questions before s/he asks them.
Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights.
Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
Throw out your bed. Move in with your roommate.
Wear all of your clothes backwards.
Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.
Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study.
Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
Hang all of your posters up facing the wall.
Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say, "Damn, missed them again!" Continue for two weeks.
Dance around the room with underwear on your head while listening to old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records. If your roommate questions you, throw a pair on his/her head and TANGO!!!
Wear khakis and riding boots around the room. Goosestep often.
Steal all of your roommate's pens. Make a tower out of them. Bite him/her if s/he tries to get them back.
Develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Use your other selves to act out Shakespearean tragedies.
Open the window. After 30 minutes, complain about the cold and open it wider.
Two words: Nudist colony.
Listen to Morrisey. Be happy before, during, and after you listen.
Tattoo your roommate's name on your butt. Insist that s/he do the same for you.
Get a loft. Sleep hanging upside down from it like a bat.
Play Dungeons and Dragons a lot. (A lot means that you should own a sword, and at some time during the year you should dress up as your character.)
Wear Underoos.
Carve a large phallus. Pray to it daily.
Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it isn't there.
Put a chamber pot in your closet. Fill it with lemon-lime Gatorade. Pretend to use it. Drink from it and offer your roommate a cup.
Make your finger talk to you. Write backwards on the walls.
Constantly ask your roommate, "Do you feel lucky?" while fingering a bulge under your jacket.
Put peas in the toilet everytime you go to the bathroom.
Listen to nothing but obscure Broadway musicals. Learn all the words and sing along. Be sure to do all the different voices.
Get a copy of your roommate's car key. Turn his/her car around in its parking space. A few days later, move it to the next space. A few days after that, move it two spaces over. Continue until you start moving the car to a different lot.
Shave off one of your eyebrows. Buy a doll or plush animal and shave one of its eyebrows as well. Whenever you enter the room, give a secret salute and handshake to the toy. Sit with it for hours and talk loudly about the folly of the two-eyebrowed ones.
Open a can of his/her beans or spaghetti, empty it into his/her bed and then replace the can in the cupboard.
Replace the fuses in his electrical equipment with a lower rating.
Move all of his furniture outside. Tell him/her that it was such a nice day out, you wanted to be sure s/he enjoyed it.
Eat jewelry. Accessorize food.
Smash your roommate's favorite cassettes and wrap the tape around your naked body, running around the apartment screaming "Fly, be free! Fly, be free!"
Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set around so it faces the wall. Watch the back of it.
Invite your roommate to play catch out in the yard. Every time you catch the ball, catch it near your head. Fall to the ground screaming.
Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.
Complain about your menstral cramps. Loudly. This works best, of course, if you happen to be male.
Make some rice for dinner. Pause suddenly, spit out a mouthful and scream "Maggots! Maggots!" Blame your roommate. When done, make more rice and finish eating.
Try to convince your roommate that you are indeed Louis XVI of France. Every time he grabs a knife or cuts something scream in terror and go running out of the apartment clutching your neck.
Pretend you are Jan Brady. (Marsha Marsha Marsha!)
When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite and disgustingly rude every sentence.
Scratch yourself and others. Stop when you draw blood.
Play violent games with imaginary friends.
Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.
Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.
Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room.
Worship the Professor and Mary Ann.
Hang your roommate in effigy.
Never allow your roommate's head to be below yours.
Pretend your arms and legs have been amputated. Insist that you "cannot wipe."
Speak at length about your lust for Pippi Longstocking as your roommate tries to fall asleep.
Sit in the room all weekend rubbing a baseball bat. When your roommate enters the room, close your eyes and rub as fast as you can.
Complain vehemently that pedophilia legislation is "too restrictive."
Find out your roommate's mother's name. Tatoo it on your inner thigh, then claim, "She made me do it!"
When your roommate has been awake for several minutes, run up to him/her screaming "Rashes! Rashes!" as loud as you can. Repeat during classes.
Light your hair on fire. Refuse to put it out.
Keep a harem of thirty Cabbage Patch Kids. Ask if your roommate "has any desires."
While your roommate sleeps, insert straws into his/her nose. If s/he removes them, administer CPR.
Repeat everything your roommate says, but without the consonants.
When your roommate enters the room, chain yourself to the bed and make beckoning gestures. Look demure.
Go through his/her books hilighting all instances of the words "death" and "children." Insist that he study them.
Go through medical supply catalogs circling all electric drill and suction devices. Leave them (the catalogs, not the devices) lying around.
Administer last rites as s/he sleeps.
Quote Bob Barker at length.
Wear decoder rings. Insist that s/he kiss them.
Wear a hard hat at all times. Remove it when your roommate enters the room and dive under the bed.
Pretend to administer electro-schock therapy as s/he studies.
Whenever s/he has friends over, complain loudly about his/her hygiene. Be graphic.
Paint targets on the back of all his/her shirts. Buy a crossbow.
When you write, use the wrong end of the pen. Ask him/her why it doesn't work. When s/he explains it to you, nod thoughtfully and say, "OK, I've got it." Turn the paper over, and try again.
Remove the shelves from the refrigerator. Sit inside, moaning periodically.
Leave urgent telephone messages for him/her when no one has called.
Give unsolicited sensual massages at least once daily.
Go for joy-rides in the washing machine.
Pack your roommate's clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before s/he wakes up.
Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it.
Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.
Carry an electric fan at all times. Speak into it.
Follow your roommate around all day whispering, "I can reach where you can't."
Write on your arms and legs with coarse sandpaper.
Nail meat to the walls. Bacon is best.
Collect cow tongues. Paint them. Nail them up next to the bacon.
Try to eat your own ear.
Lie spread-eagled on your roommate's bed. Make him/her move you.
Chase your roommate with a bloody toothbrush. Tell him/her "It only hurts for a little while."
Lick his/her feet as he sleeps. If s/he wakes up, apologize. After s/he falls asleep, start licking his/her face.
Call him/her Mommy.
Invite your roommate's parents to a "surprise" party for your roommate. When they get there, stone them.
Buy a gerbil. Go into your room and close the door. Hide the gerbil in the closet, and then giggle and squirm uncontrollably for the rest of the day.
Put tapes/CDs in the stereo and listen to them with the volume off. Replace them regularly. Tell your roommate to be quiet so you can hear.
Stand behind him/her while he brushes his teeth. When s/he takes the brush out of his/her mouth, force it back in.
Announce everything you do as a group activity. (i.e. "We're going to bed now.") If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse him/her of not being a "team player."
Every hour on the hour, call to get the time. Reset each of your clocks to the second. Remark that your roommate has no respect for the virtue of being prompt.
Plug your telephone handset into your modem's in jack. Make the modem noises into the handset. ("Wheeeheeeeooooaiyeee...") Complain about how your stupid computer never works.
Develop partial amnesia each time you go to sleep. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate. Spend hours finding out everything about him/her, and just before you go to bed, say you think you and s/he will be great friends. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate...
When your roommate leaves the room, raid his/her sock drawer. Switch one of each pair of your roommate's socks with one of your own.
Buy a bunch of T-shirts with flamboyant designs. Wear them inside out. Look in the mirror often and say, "This looked so much better in the store..."
Watch TV continually. Change channels so that you only see the commercials. Memorize the commercials verbatim and chant them after lights out.
Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate.
Learn Morse code. Adopt it as your sole method of communication.
Announce on the answering machine that your roommate has moved out. Tell anyone who calls for him/her not to call here anymore.
When your roommate is out of the room, move his/her possessions over to your side of the room. When s/he returns, throw the things back over to your roommate's side, angrily telling him/her, "Stop invading my space."
Redivide the room horizontally. Claim you want the bottom half.
Eat lots of alphabet soup. Throw out any of the letters that are in your roommate's name; claim you want nothing to do with them.
Count down the days till the next full moon. Whenever you cross out another day, get a wild look in your eyes and mutter, "Soon...so very soon..."
Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words.
Compose an obituary for your roommate. Keep it posted in a conspicuous place and update it frequently. Report the date of death as one week before the end of the semester.
Give your roommate a jar of peanuts. Wait until s/he has eaten half of them, then explain they used to be chocolate-covered, but you licked all the chocolate off of them. As an aside, mention that you are coming down with the flu.
Explain that you need to sell your bed to make ends meet. Ask if you can sleep in your roommate's bed. If s/he refuses, ask if you can sell his/her bed instead.
Two words: pet liverwurst.
Move all of your possessions to your roommate's side of the room, and all of his/her possessions to your side. Move everything back the next day. Do this each day for a week.
If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in similar-size cans. Switch the labels.
Hold a raffle with your roommate as the prize.
Five minutes after you go to bed, claim that you think the Boogeyman is hiding in your closet. Make your roommate check the closet. Five minutes later, claim he is hiding under your bed. Make your roommate check. Repeat as desired.
Dress as similarly as possible like your roommate. Walk closely next to him/her the whole day, remarking "Don't we look like twins?" to any passersby.
Do impressions all the time. Good ones to try: Mr. T, Gilbert Gottfried, Judy Tenuta, Roseanne Barr.
Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing the secret plans to the world's greatest battlestation. Carry a gun.
Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.
Make "Garanimals" tags for all of your clothing.
Replace your roommate's food with a dozen identical boxes of "All Bran." Explain that you didn't think s/he was getting enough fiber.
Each day announce that you are changing your major. Get increasingly creative (Nuclear Egyptology, Environmental Macrobiotic Accounting, Mid-Fifteenth Century Bolivian Dermoplasty, etc.) as time goes on.
Create a computer database listing EVERYTHING in your dorm room. Each time your roommate uses a piece of paper, takes a coke out of the refrigerator, or eats a candybar, grumble loudly and go through an elaborate process of deleting that record. Mutter, "See what s/he puts me through!"
Buy your roommate's birthday present by spending the penny to sign him/her up for a record club. When s/he expresses annoyance, say "But I GAVE you 12 CDs."
Buy two Chia pets. In a few days, buy 6 more. A couple of days later, buy another dozen. Explain that they're breeding. Ask your roommate to chip in for six dozen Chia vasectomies.
Masturbate constantly into jars. Eat nothing but mayonnaise sandwiches.
Repeat thoughtfully the last word of everything your roommate says (e.g. Your roommate: "How are you doing today?" You: "Today.... Today......")
Continuously refer to your roommate using terms of endearment (sweetcheeks, honeybuns, bubblebutt). Slap him/her in the face if s/he ever does the same.
Kill several people. Store the corpses underneath your roommate's bed. Call the police.
Become Forrest Gump.
Incessantly rant about the government's attempts to control our minds by poisoning us with Dihydrous Monoxide. If your roommate tries to explain that Dihydrous Monoxide = H2O = Water, exclaim "HA!! THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!!!!"
Intensely study the complete list of ways to annoy your roommate. Form a discussion group with your roommate. Give tests.
Start a food drive around campus to feed your roommate. Comment often on how fat s/he's getting.
Read nothing but "Human Calculator" books. Consistently make mistakes on simple math (e.g. "2 + 2 = ..3? No, 5! No.......")
Every morning, send out control messages to add a new newsgroup called 'alt.kill.'. Apologize often to your roommate. Say it was a typo.
Watch porn films everyday in your room with the sound turned all the way up.
Stock-pile in plain sight large quantities of toilet paper, "wet ones," enemas, laxatives, and the like. When your roommate asks, say no more than, "It's for a party." Change the subject upon further inquiry. On the first weekend s/he goes home, get rid of the stock-pile, and sling chocolate pudding all over the room. Say nothing upon his/her return.
Every time your roommate walks in, press your face to the TV screen and pretend to communicate with aliens in their own language. For the next several weeks, ask if s/he has had any strange visitations or kidnapping attempts by men who look completely normal "except for that enormous third arm with the nasty green hue."
Spend all semester designing a new Disney Theme Park for Antarctica. Be sure to include all sorts of winter themed attractions. Show your plans to your roommate. When s/he insists that a polar theme park won't work, get upset and say, "But Mickey is counting on me!"
Put peas in the toilet every time you go to the bathroom.
Start a fungus collection using any food left around the dorm/apartment/house. Prune the fungus to grow a face on a slice of bread. One day, shave off an eyebrow from the fungus-face. Walk around the rest of the day licking your lips and saying "Yummm..." to yourself.
Collect a large supply of jokes insulting your roommate's ethnicity, gender, major, etc. Constantly tell them to your roommate. When s/he doesn't laugh, look surprised and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were..." Do this at least five times a day.
Communicate only in haiku. Ignore your roommate unless s/he talks to you in the same manner.
Pray. All the time. Very loudly, to some of the lesser-worshipped demons, like Biis or Chthulu. While your roommate tries to sleep, make blood sacrifices and shout out your wishes that your roommate's entrails be ripped out and strewn throughout the corners of the earth. If s/he tries to interfere, sue for his/her violation of your right to freedom of religion.
Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot.
Talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Become a subgenius.
Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Speak in tongues.
Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca") almost inaudibly.
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
Collect all your urine in a small jug.
Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ballpoint pens.
Smile. All the time.
Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho-Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush. When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
Shave off one of your roommate's eyebrows. Comment repeatedly on how it makes him/her look younger.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
Cry a lot.
Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's e-mail.
Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
Follow him/her around on weekends.
Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
Let mice loose in his/her room.
Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
Skip to the bathroom.
Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find them.
Whenever you're on the phone and s/he walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes, then call whoever it was back.
Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
Use a bible as Kleenex.
Burn incense.
Eat moths.
Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
Collect Chia Pets.
Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
Urinate in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Each night before you go to bed, take a big swig from the jar.
Don't ever flush.
Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
Lick him/her while they are asleep.
Dress in drag.
Buy Lay's potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him, "No one can eat just one."
Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the grass" sign.
Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army.
Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair in the sink. See how long it takes your roommate to notice.
Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think your roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off the humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your roommate's bed.
Set off the smoke alarm in your room and tell the fire department your roommate was smoking.
Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
Sleep face down under your mattress on a bunkbed and stare at your roommate all night through the springs.
Wear ammonia as a cologne.
Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up.
Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations. Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until s/he leaves.
Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into this world if s/he does.
Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
Wear nothing but tightie-whities whenever your roommate has guests.
Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell him/her you know they're all watching you.
Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk. Tell your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key.
Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that your roommate is disgusting and show them.
Start a new-wave cult. Hold nightly candle-lit rituals in your room with your followers.
Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your roommate of stealing gum.
Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout, "Animal killer!"
Get a friend to leave a phone message for you with your roommate, saying the test results came back positive. When your roommate tells you, cough, faint, and then refuse to discuss it.
Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
Put no-doze pills in your roommate's drinks.
Set your alarm clock for three o'clock. Push the doze button every 5 minutes when it beeps for the next five hours, each time telling your roommate that you'll wake up in five minutes.
Get your roommate's social security number. Call the registrar and switch all of his/her classes. Tell your roommate at the end of the term that the Philosophical Environmental Anthropology exam is supposed to be really hard. Wish him/her luck.
Play Dungeons & Dragons all the time. Tell your roommate to obey you because you are the Dungeon Master. Attack invisible dragons with a cardboard sword.
Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.
Learn to play an accordion.
Make a contract with the Mafia to kill your roommate. Become a born-again Christian and dreadfully regret your actions. Explain to your roommate the situation, how sorry you are, and that there is nothing you can do to prevent the hit. Try to convert your roommate before s/he dies.
Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that you were just trying to "loosen up" the room.
Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative karma.
Whenever your roommate gets clothes back from the laundry, hide them. Then wear some every day until you have removed all the stolen clothes from hiding and they are all now dirty. Ask your roommate to wash them again.
Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing but quotes for three weeks.
Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).
Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever your roommate comes in. If s/he complains, tell him/her s/he is being prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species. Call him/her a bigot.
Sign up your roommate for all the radical organizations on campus. If they call, tell them s/he is very interested in and in favor of their cause.
Buy seven different colored yo-yo's. Practice with them seven hours a day, alternating yo-yo's on the hour.
Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead.
When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronization.
Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"
Buy forty two-liter bottles of generic soda. Dump out one bottle. Every time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty one. Do so until you have thirty-nine bottles of urine. Complain to your roommate that generic soda tastes awful.
Order five anchovy pizzas in your roommate's name. When the deliverer arrives, tell them that your roommate likes to play jokes on the pizza place and then your roommate lies about his/her ordering. Tell them where s/he is.
Put in your contacts when you go to bed. Scream in agony as you rip them from your bloody eyelids in the morning. Put them in again that night. Complain to your roommate that you just can't see a darned thing anymore.
Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If s/he asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that s/he do the same.
"Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what s/he is talking about.
Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When s/he comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much longer."
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time s/he coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here somewhere."
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that s/he hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He/She just didn't belong."
Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him/her "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who the hell do you think you are? A king?"
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless s/he says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that s/he has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If s/he asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
Shave off one of your eyebrows. Look at your profile in the mirror for hours each day; first one side, then the other. Every three minutes, remark to your roommate, "Something looks different..." When s/he comments on your eyebrow, look surprised and ask when your one eyebrow appeared.
Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If s/he asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
Talk like a pirate, all the time. Refer to your roommate as "matey." Threaten to make him/her walk the plank if s/he doesn't swab the deck.
Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If s/he asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
Carve a jack-o'lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks s/he has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o'lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When s/he returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If s/he tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before s/he goes to class.
Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man/woman to find.
Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until s/he does so.
Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
Recite Dr. Seuss books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them loudly and directly to your roommate. If s/he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets.
Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said 'hi.'"
Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that s/he looked like "the enemy."
Put headphones on your roommate while s/he is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
Whenever your roommate has company, walk over into the middle of the room and sit down cross-legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket, leaving one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it in your mouth. Make loud chewing noises as you chew on the string. If anybody says anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and continue to chew while staring, unfocused, straight ahead.
Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, "That looks good..." as you highlight passages in the book.
Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes, snakes!"
Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate's name. Complain that you never get mail.
Wear your clothing backwards and walk around the room backwards.
Carry a pair of walkie-talkies with you at all times. Insist that s/he use one when ever s/he wants to talk to you.
Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly, come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours.
Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the dorm every morning.
Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
Start a brothel.
Constantly slip and fall on your carpet.
Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure s/he follows it.
Invite the Dean to sleep over.
Invite the school President to sleep over.
Invite your roommate to sleep over.
Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
Walk into walls.
Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."
Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until s/he comes out.
Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby.
Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.
Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.
Wear a silly hat.
Tell him/her that you're committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed.
Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you're afraid of aliens.
Eat raw pasta for dinner.
Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.
Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.
Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and say, "I bought it for the articles."
Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet for five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, "Damn diarrhea."
Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.
Carve grotesque, morbid, and/or erotic pictures into your bedframe with a butcher knife.
Place porn mags, both soft- and hard-core, around the room. Buy ten or twenty jars of Vaseline. Stack them in a pile in a corner on the floor. Whenever your roommate is expecting company, smear your hands with Vaseline. When greeting them, shake hands vigorously for a minute.
Whenever you're talking to your roommate, add extra words to your sentences ("Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?"). When talking to other people around your roommate, add his/her name to your conversation ("Can you give me the -Dan- notes for Friday's physics class?"). If your roommate comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.
Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don't play anything coherent. Play "Hot Cross Buns" or similar three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect.
Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.
Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten Mesopotamian foot soldiers in full battle array.
Burn candles at night. Yell at your roommate if s/he turns on any light and claim that they'll scare "your friends" away.
Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when all his/her beer is gone. Be convincing.
Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!!
Whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing his/her clothes.
Hide all your roommate's stuff and tell him/her that s/he never lived with you. Extra points if s/he checks with the housing director.
Give your roommate a plastic bag. Ask him/her to shit in it because your pet dung beetles are hungry.
Borrow your roommate's clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like they were yours all along.
Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.
If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in and out through the window. Claim doctor's orders.
Hide under a pile of dirty clothes in the closet. Twitch a lot and mutter, "They can't suck my brain if they can't find me!"
Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer one to your roommate.
Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.
Talk about your roommate to the little man who lives in your pocket.
Groom yourself like a cat.
Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are granted audience with Zontar, High Lord of Saria 3.
Organize a black mass. Tell your roommate that the sacrifice backed out at the last minute and if s/he would volunteer.
Say everything in Pig Latin.
Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them.
Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
Funnel Pepsi.
Spend all of your money on Alvin and the Chipmunks records. Play them constantly. Say that it's an assignment for your "Popular Music in the Youth Subculture" class.
Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a ball and store it on your roommate's bed.
Paint a mural depicting Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo on your roommate's mattress. Hand it in to your art teacher for a grade.
Refuse to wash your underwear. Say that you are trying to prove LaMarck's theory of spontaneous generation.
Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate's questions before s/he asks them.
Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights.
Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
Throw out your bed. Move in with your roommate.
Wear all of your clothes backwards.
Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.
Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study.
Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
Hang all of your posters up facing the wall.
Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say, "Damn, missed them again!" Continue for two weeks.
Dance around the room with underwear on your head while listening to old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records. If your roommate questions you, throw a pair on his/her head and TANGO!!!
Wear khakis and riding boots around the room. Goosestep often.
Steal all of your roommate's pens. Make a tower out of them. Bite him/her if s/he tries to get them back.
Develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Use your other selves to act out Shakespearean tragedies.
Open the window. After 30 minutes, complain about the cold and open it wider.
Two words: Nudist colony.
Listen to Morrisey. Be happy before, during, and after you listen.
Tattoo your roommate's name on your butt. Insist that s/he do the same for you.
Get a loft. Sleep hanging upside down from it like a bat.
Play Dungeons and Dragons a lot. (A lot means that you should own a sword, and at some time during the year you should dress up as your character.)
Wear Underoos.
Carve a large phallus. Pray to it daily.
Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it isn't there.
Put a chamber pot in your closet. Fill it with lemon-lime Gatorade. Pretend to use it. Drink from it and offer your roommate a cup.
Make your finger talk to you. Write backwards on the walls.
Constantly ask your roommate, "Do you feel lucky?" while fingering a bulge under your jacket.
Put peas in the toilet everytime you go to the bathroom.
Listen to nothing but obscure Broadway musicals. Learn all the words and sing along. Be sure to do all the different voices.
Get a copy of your roommate's car key. Turn his/her car around in its parking space. A few days later, move it to the next space. A few days after that, move it two spaces over. Continue until you start moving the car to a different lot.
Shave off one of your eyebrows. Buy a doll or plush animal and shave one of its eyebrows as well. Whenever you enter the room, give a secret salute and handshake to the toy. Sit with it for hours and talk loudly about the folly of the two-eyebrowed ones.
Open a can of his/her beans or spaghetti, empty it into his/her bed and then replace the can in the cupboard.
Replace the fuses in his electrical equipment with a lower rating.
Move all of his furniture outside. Tell him/her that it was such a nice day out, you wanted to be sure s/he enjoyed it.
Eat jewelry. Accessorize food.
Smash your roommate's favorite cassettes and wrap the tape around your naked body, running around the apartment screaming "Fly, be free! Fly, be free!"
Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set around so it faces the wall. Watch the back of it.
Invite your roommate to play catch out in the yard. Every time you catch the ball, catch it near your head. Fall to the ground screaming.
Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.
Complain about your menstral cramps. Loudly. This works best, of course, if you happen to be male.
Make some rice for dinner. Pause suddenly, spit out a mouthful and scream "Maggots! Maggots!" Blame your roommate. When done, make more rice and finish eating.
Try to convince your roommate that you are indeed Louis XVI of France. Every time he grabs a knife or cuts something scream in terror and go running out of the apartment clutching your neck.
Pretend you are Jan Brady. (Marsha Marsha Marsha!)
When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite and disgustingly rude every sentence.
Scratch yourself and others. Stop when you draw blood.
Play violent games with imaginary friends.
Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.
Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.
Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room.
Worship the Professor and Mary Ann.
Hang your roommate in effigy.
Never allow your roommate's head to be below yours.
Pretend your arms and legs have been amputated. Insist that you "cannot wipe."
Speak at length about your lust for Pippi Longstocking as your roommate tries to fall asleep.
Sit in the room all weekend rubbing a baseball bat. When your roommate enters the room, close your eyes and rub as fast as you can.
Complain vehemently that pedophilia legislation is "too restrictive."
Find out your roommate's mother's name. Tatoo it on your inner thigh, then claim, "She made me do it!"
When your roommate has been awake for several minutes, run up to him/her screaming "Rashes! Rashes!" as loud as you can. Repeat during classes.
Light your hair on fire. Refuse to put it out.
Keep a harem of thirty Cabbage Patch Kids. Ask if your roommate "has any desires."
While your roommate sleeps, insert straws into his/her nose. If s/he removes them, administer CPR.
Repeat everything your roommate says, but without the consonants.
When your roommate enters the room, chain yourself to the bed and make beckoning gestures. Look demure.
Go through his/her books hilighting all instances of the words "death" and "children." Insist that he study them.
Go through medical supply catalogs circling all electric drill and suction devices. Leave them (the catalogs, not the devices) lying around.
Administer last rites as s/he sleeps.
Quote Bob Barker at length.
Wear decoder rings. Insist that s/he kiss them.
Wear a hard hat at all times. Remove it when your roommate enters the room and dive under the bed.
Pretend to administer electro-schock therapy as s/he studies.
Whenever s/he has friends over, complain loudly about his/her hygiene. Be graphic.
Paint targets on the back of all his/her shirts. Buy a crossbow.
When you write, use the wrong end of the pen. Ask him/her why it doesn't work. When s/he explains it to you, nod thoughtfully and say, "OK, I've got it." Turn the paper over, and try again.
Remove the shelves from the refrigerator. Sit inside, moaning periodically.
Leave urgent telephone messages for him/her when no one has called.
Give unsolicited sensual massages at least once daily.
Go for joy-rides in the washing machine.
Pack your roommate's clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before s/he wakes up.
Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it.
Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.
Carry an electric fan at all times. Speak into it.
Follow your roommate around all day whispering, "I can reach where you can't."
Write on your arms and legs with coarse sandpaper.
Nail meat to the walls. Bacon is best.
Collect cow tongues. Paint them. Nail them up next to the bacon.
Try to eat your own ear.
Lie spread-eagled on your roommate's bed. Make him/her move you.
Chase your roommate with a bloody toothbrush. Tell him/her "It only hurts for a little while."
Lick his/her feet as he sleeps. If s/he wakes up, apologize. After s/he falls asleep, start licking his/her face.
Call him/her Mommy.
Invite your roommate's parents to a "surprise" party for your roommate. When they get there, stone them.
Buy a gerbil. Go into your room and close the door. Hide the gerbil in the closet, and then giggle and squirm uncontrollably for the rest of the day.
Put tapes/CDs in the stereo and listen to them with the volume off. Replace them regularly. Tell your roommate to be quiet so you can hear.
Stand behind him/her while he brushes his teeth. When s/he takes the brush out of his/her mouth, force it back in.
Announce everything you do as a group activity. (i.e. "We're going to bed now.") If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse him/her of not being a "team player."
Every hour on the hour, call to get the time. Reset each of your clocks to the second. Remark that your roommate has no respect for the virtue of being prompt.
Plug your telephone handset into your modem's in jack. Make the modem noises into the handset. ("Wheeeheeeeooooaiyeee...") Complain about how your stupid computer never works.
Develop partial amnesia each time you go to sleep. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate. Spend hours finding out everything about him/her, and just before you go to bed, say you think you and s/he will be great friends. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate...
When your roommate leaves the room, raid his/her sock drawer. Switch one of each pair of your roommate's socks with one of your own.
Buy a bunch of T-shirts with flamboyant designs. Wear them inside out. Look in the mirror often and say, "This looked so much better in the store..."
Watch TV continually. Change channels so that you only see the commercials. Memorize the commercials verbatim and chant them after lights out.
Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate.
Learn Morse code. Adopt it as your sole method of communication.
Announce on the answering machine that your roommate has moved out. Tell anyone who calls for him/her not to call here anymore.
When your roommate is out of the room, move his/her possessions over to your side of the room. When s/he returns, throw the things back over to your roommate's side, angrily telling him/her, "Stop invading my space."
Redivide the room horizontally. Claim you want the bottom half.
Eat lots of alphabet soup. Throw out any of the letters that are in your roommate's name; claim you want nothing to do with them.
Count down the days till the next full moon. Whenever you cross out another day, get a wild look in your eyes and mutter, "Soon...so very soon..."
Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words.
Compose an obituary for your roommate. Keep it posted in a conspicuous place and update it frequently. Report the date of death as one week before the end of the semester.
Give your roommate a jar of peanuts. Wait until s/he has eaten half of them, then explain they used to be chocolate-covered, but you licked all the chocolate off of them. As an aside, mention that you are coming down with the flu.
Explain that you need to sell your bed to make ends meet. Ask if you can sleep in your roommate's bed. If s/he refuses, ask if you can sell his/her bed instead.
Two words: pet liverwurst.
Move all of your possessions to your roommate's side of the room, and all of his/her possessions to your side. Move everything back the next day. Do this each day for a week.
If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in similar-size cans. Switch the labels.
Hold a raffle with your roommate as the prize.
Five minutes after you go to bed, claim that you think the Boogeyman is hiding in your closet. Make your roommate check the closet. Five minutes later, claim he is hiding under your bed. Make your roommate check. Repeat as desired.
Dress as similarly as possible like your roommate. Walk closely next to him/her the whole day, remarking "Don't we look like twins?" to any passersby.
Do impressions all the time. Good ones to try: Mr. T, Gilbert Gottfried, Judy Tenuta, Roseanne Barr.
Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing the secret plans to the world's greatest battlestation. Carry a gun.
Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.
Make "Garanimals" tags for all of your clothing.
Replace your roommate's food with a dozen identical boxes of "All Bran." Explain that you didn't think s/he was getting enough fiber.
Each day announce that you are changing your major. Get increasingly creative (Nuclear Egyptology, Environmental Macrobiotic Accounting, Mid-Fifteenth Century Bolivian Dermoplasty, etc.) as time goes on.
Create a computer database listing EVERYTHING in your dorm room. Each time your roommate uses a piece of paper, takes a coke out of the refrigerator, or eats a candybar, grumble loudly and go through an elaborate process of deleting that record. Mutter, "See what s/he puts me through!"
Buy your roommate's birthday present by spending the penny to sign him/her up for a record club. When s/he expresses annoyance, say "But I GAVE you 12 CDs."
Buy two Chia pets. In a few days, buy 6 more. A couple of days later, buy another dozen. Explain that they're breeding. Ask your roommate to chip in for six dozen Chia vasectomies.
Masturbate constantly into jars. Eat nothing but mayonnaise sandwiches.
Repeat thoughtfully the last word of everything your roommate says (e.g. Your roommate: "How are you doing today?" You: "Today.... Today......")
Continuously refer to your roommate using terms of endearment (sweetcheeks, honeybuns, bubblebutt). Slap him/her in the face if s/he ever does the same.
Kill several people. Store the corpses underneath your roommate's bed. Call the police.
Become Forrest Gump.
Incessantly rant about the government's attempts to control our minds by poisoning us with Dihydrous Monoxide. If your roommate tries to explain that Dihydrous Monoxide = H2O = Water, exclaim "HA!! THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!!!!"
Intensely study the complete list of ways to annoy your roommate. Form a discussion group with your roommate. Give tests.
Start a food drive around campus to feed your roommate. Comment often on how fat s/he's getting.
Read nothing but "Human Calculator" books. Consistently make mistakes on simple math (e.g. "2 + 2 = ..3? No, 5! No.......")
Every morning, send out control messages to add a new newsgroup called 'alt.kill.'. Apologize often to your roommate. Say it was a typo.
Watch porn films everyday in your room with the sound turned all the way up.
Stock-pile in plain sight large quantities of toilet paper, "wet ones," enemas, laxatives, and the like. When your roommate asks, say no more than, "It's for a party." Change the subject upon further inquiry. On the first weekend s/he goes home, get rid of the stock-pile, and sling chocolate pudding all over the room. Say nothing upon his/her return.
Every time your roommate walks in, press your face to the TV screen and pretend to communicate with aliens in their own language. For the next several weeks, ask if s/he has had any strange visitations or kidnapping attempts by men who look completely normal "except for that enormous third arm with the nasty green hue."
Spend all semester designing a new Disney Theme Park for Antarctica. Be sure to include all sorts of winter themed attractions. Show your plans to your roommate. When s/he insists that a polar theme park won't work, get upset and say, "But Mickey is counting on me!"
Put peas in the toilet every time you go to the bathroom.
Start a fungus collection using any food left around the dorm/apartment/house. Prune the fungus to grow a face on a slice of bread. One day, shave off an eyebrow from the fungus-face. Walk around the rest of the day licking your lips and saying "Yummm..." to yourself.
Collect a large supply of jokes insulting your roommate's ethnicity, gender, major, etc. Constantly tell them to your roommate. When s/he doesn't laugh, look surprised and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were..." Do this at least five times a day.
Communicate only in haiku. Ignore your roommate unless s/he talks to you in the same manner.
Pray. All the time. Very loudly, to some of the lesser-worshipped demons, like Biis or Chthulu. While your roommate tries to sleep, make blood sacrifices and shout out your wishes that your roommate's entrails be ripped out and strewn throughout the corners of the earth. If s/he tries to interfere, sue for his/her violation of your right to freedom of religion.
Things to do in the bathroom stall... 1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!" 6. Say "Darn, this water is cold." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!" 11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters. 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" 13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot" 15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free" 20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out." You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area... The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. * Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill. If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington. * Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash. Beauty is only a light switch away. * Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. * Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C. Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" * Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? * The Irish Times, Washington, D.C. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. * The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. * Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. * Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz. A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. * Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex. Watch out for gay limbo dancers. * Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room? Express Lane: Five beers or less. * Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz. You're too good for him. * Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA No wonder you always go home alone. * Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. * Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
The Shit List
Tsunami Shit
You get a huge backwash and your ass ends up cleaner than when you started
Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. you have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.
Cruel Yet Funny Practical Jokes
Remove the toilet seat from the toilet.
Put toothpaste(sticky, slimy toothpaste) on the toilet seat. Squish! Squish!
Get one of those boullion cubes, made for making soup, and put it in your buddy's showerhead. A broth bath first thing in the morning can be a real drag.
Every time you go to your mark's house, put a couple plastic forks, spoons, whatever in the silver ware drawer. Pretty soon they will empty it out and be gin to think thay are nuts.
Staple the cuffs of roomie's pants together.
In the winter, place extremely large snowballs in front of the doors.
While your roommate is sleeping, place two or three RedHot candies between their teeth and lips. They will wake up with a terrible blister.
Put clear tape on your roomates eyes when they're sleeping, wake them up, and and ask if they feel all right.
Insert an extremely cheesy CD (preferably Barry Manilow or ABBA) into a friend's favorite CD case. Make sure that the Cd's look similar. After they unwit tingly put the CD in without checking, watch their expressions as the room is filled with "Coppa Cabana". Continue to switch CD's as needed.
Take a mini-tape recorder and record the words "They're coming for you." Turn volume setting to whisper and press play as your friend sleeps. Hide some where inconspicuous.
If you want to piss off your room mate, flip their matress and re-make their bed, so that when they are really tired and just want to crash , they will h ave to flip their matress back over and make their bed again!
Pile all of the furniture in your dorm or house against someone's bedroom door. When they wake up in the moring, they can't get out!
Take some Oreo cookies. Undo the tops, one at a time, and place a small circle of wax paper in between the cookie and the filling. Then set them out to watch your victim take a big bite!
If your roommate has posters of scantily clad women up, blow up a picture of their mother's face and tape it over the face on the poster. Very disturbing for the victim.
Every day take a small object from another student's room and place it in a different room. Repeat until room is empty.
More instructions for shooting toilet water: Materials: 6" piece of small diameter tubing, 't' valve. Process: Remove the top lid of the toilet tank, the filler tube in the center of the tank has a samll tube from which it fills the bowl. Pull the tube out ot the filler, install the tvalve & the other end of tubing. put the bottom part of the tavalve back into the filler & redirect the new section of tub ing pointing out at where the victims back will be when seated. Place the lid back on, being careful not to leave the tubing showing. When your mark flushes, the water will squirt out, trapping your mark & catching him/her by suprise in the small confi nes of the toilet stall. Been tried twice with excellent results. Even better if you can find one is to place a car washer jet on the outer end of the tube which fans the spray out.
Put white 'art' paper like the kind used in pep rallies over the outside of a dorm room doorway. You and your friends get up a little early to stand out in the hall and clap and cheer when the roomate who's in on the prank jumps through the paper (like a football game). The next day, repeat the procedure, placing a candy or drink machine behind the paper. When the 2nd roommate (who's not in on it) tries t o burst through the paper for his/her applause, BOOM! S/He will hit the back of the machine and rebound back into the room.
Offer two of your friends marshmellows. Leave one of the marshmellows as is and make a little hole in the other. Pour salt and pepper in and close it up. Put them back in to their place and offer them.
When you see your friend sit down a can of soda, take a small knife or something sharp and poke a hole just below the the lip of the can. When the friend takes his/her next drink, soda will drip out of the can and onto the victim.
Take a large bottle of industial strength washing up liquid, this can be bought from any supermarket, and pour it in the top of the toilet (where the water is kept). When the victim flushes the toilet, the bowl and eventually the room will fill with l ovely bubbles.
Tape down the button on the receiver of the telephone and call them.
Try the exploding salt and pepper shakers! Take the salt/pepper shaker and empty it about a third of the way, then fill the empty space with the lemon juice. After that put a tissue piece over the top and stick in down inside careful enough not to hit the lemon juice. Put a small or medium amount of baking soda in the tissues and cover the holes with something to keep the baking soda from coming out. Then stick the lid back on. Give it to someone you know will need to use it. When they shake lightly t o get a little bit of salt, it will not come out. So what they do is shake harder, making the lemon juice break through the tissue, mixing with the baking. This causes the lid to somehow "explode", or pop off, and filling half the table with foam!
Offer your friend some really thirst provocing cookies. Then when they're really thirsty, hand them a glass of milk with a few of those mini-marshmallows in them. Whole milk works best. They'll have slugged back half of it by the time the marshmallows hit their lips. Watch the reaction of someone who thinks he just took a huge slug of curdled milk.
If your in the room when someone cuts their finger, tell them that lime juice is the best thing to stop the bleeding.
Fill a very large glass full of water, tell a friend to place their hands on a table (plams down), put the glass on top of one hand and ask if it hurts, when they say "no" tell them to put one hand on top of the other, place the glass on top of both hands and walk off.
Put a bit of baby oil into somones bottle of shampoo. Why is my hair always oily?
Smear Icy-Hot all over the toilet seat. When someone sits down they'll feel the cream working.
Put a life-like real sized cardboard figure of a person in the bed under the covers next to the victim. Imagine the shock when they wake up!
Put crazy glue in someone's shoes so when they try to take them off, it gets stuck to their socks; or better yet, their feet.
Get a camera with a flash and a cap gun. Early in the morning, like around 2 o'clock, knock on peoples' doors. When they answer the door, take their picture and then shoot the cap gun. The flash stuns them and they think they've been shot.
The last person to wake up in the morning gets it. Get a game going; each awake person takes a turn decorating the sleeper, using their imagination (spitwads, beer cans, paint, figurines of Elwood Blues tucked under the elbow.)The first person to wake the sleeper up loses while everyone laughs at the victims reation.
Send in the victim's name as being interested in joining the navy, air force, marines, coast guard, etc.
Get a Universal Remote and go to the window of someone watching TV and change channels.
Take a really large pair of underwear old lady or man style and write a victim's name in them and leave them in the bathroom floor for every one to find.
Put a vacuum cleaner with the switch in the 'on' position in someone's room in the middle of the night and plug it in out in the hall.
Get a pair of old boots, put them on the floor in the toilet to make it look like someone is sitting on the toilet. Then lock the toilet door. Works best if there is only one toilet. Watch people repeatedly walk in and them come straight out again. Pa rticularly works well after lunch or morning tea.
Tell someone that you will give them if you can crack 3 eggs over their head. After getting them to agree, crack 2 over their head. make sure to rub in all of the yolk. Then tell them you don't feel like cracking the third egg. Now you don't o we them .
Chilli sauce on the rim of a coffee mug. Imagine how hard it would be to have a mouthfull of hot coffee and have burning lips too!
Whenever there are grapes in the fridge, be sure to put one on top of every bottle, tupperware container, dish, can, etc. EVERYthing must have a grape on top of it. After the second round of "grapes on bottles" the victim's failure to see the humor will manifest.
Put Ambesol (toothache reliever) on the victim's retainer when they aren't wearing it. Their mouth will go numb.
Straighten out a small staple and tap it all the way down into your roomates deodorant. After several days, they'll start to feel a small scratch followed by an intense burning sensation (as the deodorant gets into the scratch) From that point on it's fun to listen in every morning until they realize why it's so painful.
Get a long piece of chemistry tubing. Tie one end with a knot and fill it with water. Get a couple of guys to carry it to someone's room and stick the open end under the door. Instant flood!
Do you know a deep sleeper? Gather a few friends and pick up the deep sleeper's bed and carry it into the quad in the middle of campus. Hopefully, he won't awake until there are people all around him. Extra laughs come when he sleeps, well, pajamaless .
First, you need to find a cow. Transport the mellow beast to the multistory-dorm of your choice. Lead the cow right on upstairs to the top floor. Give the cow some hay or grain (also useful to lead the cow...) and water. Wait for the fun to begin. When officialdom appears and starts to "take charge" of the situation, they will find that while a cow will readily go *up* the stairs, no power on earth will induce a cow to go *down* the stairs.
When staying at a hotel, tell the front desk clerk you need a 4:00am wake up call. Tell him/her to let the phone ring repeatedly as you are a very heavy sleeper. Then give the clerk the room number for your friends across the hall.
If you have co-ed bathrooms that have free comdoms and lubricant packets (water based), smear the stuff all over a wall in the hall. It's not shiny at all, so it's really hard to see. Expect people to bump against it and get "jizzed."
Put icy-hot in your neighbor's shampoo bottle...Why is my head burning??
Set off a fire drill in the middle of the night by putting a cigarette close to a smoke alarm. The real fun in this is that you get to see who's sleeping with whom.
Tell everyone in the dorm that you've gotten a care package from home, and you want to share. Offer them Ex-lax brownies.
Use this if you know the people inside a room or dorm room has no other way out. You take about two rolls of duct tape and make a duct tape wall so that the entire door frame plus about another foot of area outside the door frame will be covered with duct tape. To make the wall you must inter lace the duct tape to make it stronger. Needless to say, the victim will have difficulties getting out.
The next time you have a party be sure to stock up on super glue. When the victim falls asleep put the super glue on their zipper of their pants.
The Bathroom Bomb: The trick is to happen upon some poor shmuck in a stall when you go into the little cowboy's room. Don't say anything or make any tell-tale noises that might give your identity away. Get about a yard of paper towel from the dispense r, crumple it up, and get it really wet. Make sure it is really dripping. Now, you can either lob it grenade-style over the door and onto his lap/head/whatever, or, with practice (tough angle) you can stick it to the ceiling above your targets head. It wi ll drip down on him and eventually peel off and land on his head. He will be helpless to move out of the way, considering what he is doing.
During the week or so that the biology students are mutating fruit flies, spread the rumor that water works just good as oil in killing off your fruit flies. In reality they just escape from the water and swarm everywhere. Someone is bound to believ e you and try to save money by drowning them in thier dorm sink.
Take a dorm door off it's hinges and put police tape on the hole where it used to be.
Put a sign that says "Janitor's Closet" over someone's dorm. Then dress up like a janitor and knock constantly asking for trashbags or disinfectant.
Hide many different alarm clocks throughout the victim's room and set them all for different times.
If your planning on leaving for the weekend, set your alarm to go off automatically every morning at 5:00 am, and lock your door.
Knock on the dorm door a couple times and run. Repeat a couple times. Tell your 'buddie' that you can't seem to knock loud enough for the people to come out and have him knock on the door and stand there.
Go to a beverage center. Ask for a free cardboard box (the low-cut kind). Find a bait shop. Buy a couple containers of earthworms. Close windows in the target's dorm room and turn off the air conditioning. Put the worms in the box. Put the box up high (on top of a shelf). In a couple days the place will smell like a dead body. Works best in summer.
Dare someone to try and drink six full glasses of water. Little do they know that the bathroom will be occupied by your friend (or is that a mannequin?) the whole night.
For a sticky shower, unscrew showerhead that your evil roommate showers in and put a piece of hard candy in there. Replace head and don't forget to avoid the shower. Yellow Jolly Ranchers work well and don't change the water's color.
If the building is heated by a hot water system, throw grass seed on the floor during the Christmas break in winter and when the roomate cames back after the winter break there will be a lawn in the room!
Reset his or her alarm to the early morning.
Buy (or make) one of those wallets that flare up inside when opened and replace it with your roommates wallet.
Rip a few KEY pages out of a bud's textbook right before finals and hang them around the dorm.
Take Kool-Aid packets and pour little strands of Kool-Aid on your roommate's sheets. When the victim sleeps they will sweat. And when they sweat, the kool aid will get in their pores and they will be colored.
While the victim sleeps, remove any containers of milk that they may have in the fridge. Proceed to add an entire container of finely ground hot pepper to the coffee grounds in their automatic coffee maker. They are out of luck after sipping their c up of java the next morning, because the only liquid that doesn't make the hot pepper worse is, of course, milk.
While your victim is out, replace the legs of his bed with empty "Bud" bottles. Pull his sheets so they drape over the side of the bed (restricting the bottles from his view). Crash!
While your roommate is sleeping, sprinkle fake insects all over them (gooey and slimey ones too!). Wake 'em up.
Paint a roommate's face while they sleep. When they wake up they will wonder why everyone is looking at them and laughing. HaHaHa!
Replace sugar in sugar bowl with an antacid. When someone goes to put sugar in their coffee it will foam up and out of the cup.
Put bubble gum behind the wheels of a chair.
Superglue the handle of a toolbox to the top.
Hide all the extra rolls of toilet paper and glue the last together. What creative idea can they use to wipe?
Wet your hands. Go behind an unsuspecting person and pretend to sneeze loudly. Then wipe your wet hands on the back of the victim.
Put Nair on a man's legs while he is asleep or if you're really mean, put it on their head or in their shampoo. Call him Baldy or Slick when it's over!
Place shaving creme in the hand of one who is sleeping. Tickle their face and watch them slap their face. They'll wake in a state of terror.
During winter time in any part of the country where it gets really cold, take your victims mattress, soak in water until it has reached it's saturation level, then hang it outside until it freezes solid. Once solid, replace on the victim's bed and mak e the bed up to look like normal. Brrr...
Fasten a sound module from the crying baby dolls to the bottom of someone's chair. Is there a baby crying?
Wait till your victim is away for a weekend. Dip everything plastic (pens, phones, etc.) in liquid nitrogen, break it, and stick it together again. Everything plastic will break when he picks it up.
During a family dinner, keep an empty jug of water on the table. When somebody asks you to pass the jug, pretend it is full of water and heavy. The victim will apply what he considers is the appropriate strength needed to pick up the jug. This will ca use the jug to jerk up to a significant height. Maybe they'll fall off their chair!
If you live in a dorm with tiles on the bathroom door, pour rubbing alcohol in the cracks, wait for your victim to go into the bathroom and seat himself. Light it. (Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher around.) Add some evil sounds for more effect.
Place your sleeping friend's hand in a bowl of warm water. WeeWee!
Cover the door handel with something sticky such as ketchup, dog doo, or glue. What type of creative method will they try to open the door?
Slip something red in with a friend's white load of laundry at the dorm laudromat... PINK UNDIES!
Put shaving cream in the tips of someone's shoes. It'll squirt out at the ankle if you have enough in.
Turn an overhead projector on and place it so that the light is facing a closed door. Whoever opens it will be greated with a flood of light. Works great when a bud has a hangover!
If you're going home to visit the family, cover your body with temporary tattoos the day before.
Put Suran wrap over the toilet bowl but under the seat. It'll catch it all!
Don't just short sheet the bed next time, add Corn Flakes between the matress and sheets too.
Dump a whole bottle of detergent into the toilet tank. This produces great billowing suds out of the bowl on first flush. Especially great if first flusher is sitting at the time. OooWee!
Put baby powder inside a friend's hair dryer. They'll smell AND make a mess.
Sprinkle finely ground powdered milk underneath your victim's sheets. It acts like powdered sugar in the sense that, as you sweat in your sleep, it dissolves and comes up through the sheets onto your body and into your pores. But your sweat makes it s our, and when it gets into your pores, it stays there. You smell very strongly of sour milk for about a week. sniff... sniff...
Take one of those musical greeting cards rip out the part that actually plays the music. This is only about the size of a quarter. When the victim isn't watching, plant this somewhere near them. Since it is so small, it is relatively easy to hide in a pocket or a purse.
Put goldfish in all the toilets. Where did they come from?
Go into the bathroom while the victim is taking a shower, and pour a bucket of REALLY cold water over the top of the shower curtain.
Get a LOT of condom wrappers and put them in the bathroom garbage can while your male friend kicks you out for that romantic dinner with his girl. Slap...
Replace a guys undies (especially briefs) with ones one or two sizes too small. Itch...
While the victim is asleep carefully put Vaseline between their toes. The person's toes will start to wiggle. The apparent mechanism is that when your toes start slipping against each other, your mind insists on making them slip and slide more and mor e. The upshot of this is that the part of the mind that's supposed to be getting rest is busy moving toes. The victim 'wakes up' having had no sleep at all.
Put cherry Kool-aid in the shower head. Is that blood coming from the shower head?
Get some of those mini-firecrackers that you can throw and they will pop. Put some on the toilet seat or on the edges of drawers for a scare.
Place a knife with ketchup on it on the victim's bed to make it look like it was the scene of a murder.
Turn all the pictures and posters upside down. Another test of their sanity...
If your victim is your roommate, switch the material in your waste baskets and pull his bed away from the wall a quarter of an inch every day. Sanity test...
Cut hair off of a doll and place it on the victim's bed. Nickname them after thier loss of hair.
For faucets with an optional squirt hose, rubber band the trigger down.
Obtain a large cellulose sponge, trim to make sure it is about 1/2" thick. Make sure edges are rounded to an other than square shape. Offer to cook dinner. Chicken fry the sponge.
Soak a roommates underware in water and tie it to things in the freezer (or outside if it's winter). This can be compounded by the option of house sitting during their vacation. If you do this to the underware in their drawer, they will only have dirt y undies from the vacation to ware. Ewww...
Fill a small box with the punch-holes from paper tapes. Remove the bottom and place it on a bookshelf. The victim will pick it up letting all the holes everywhere. Simple but sweet.
While your friend is sleeping, carefully water down his mattress.
When the victim is sleeping, make a shallow paper tray and tape it to his door and to the door frame near the knob. Fill it with unpopped popcorn. When he opens the door (from the inside, obviously) he'll have popcorn flung all over the place. Tough o n the vaccum too.
If the victim uses Head 'n Shoulders or Selsun Blue shampoo, and a few drops of methylene blue (available in pet stores) to a full bottle. Over time (if the victim is fair-haired), you will notice their hair turning BLUE, as methylene blue stains all organic material.
Buy a teddy bear with one of the 'buttons' manufacturers put in them to make the sound or music play. Tear it out and place it in the victim's pillowcase. Is it a dream?
Take their stuffed animals, soak them in water and put them in the freezer.
Make the cook of the house mad and peel all the labels off the canned foods in the pantry.
Prior to trapping the victim in their room by some creative method, plant a cellular phone that has had its keypad disconnected. Needless to say, keep calling!
While your dormate is asleep in bed sneak into his room and cover his entire floor with dixie cups that have been filled with water. Make sure you cover the entire floor not leaving any room to walk, when they wake up they will have no choice but t o drink their way out.
While dormee is in room with door closed take a grocery sack which has had some flour poured in it and crease the opening so that it can be slipped under the door. Once it has been slipped under the door jump on the bottom of the bag sending flour al l over their room.
At lunch, get some butter and a glass. Put the butter on the bottom of the glass and stick it, butterside up, to the bottom of the table. As soon as you do this, walk away from the table. Hopefully, someone will sit at the table. When they sit to eat, the butter will melt and the glass will fall.
Make a small, off-center hole in a can of shaving cream and then heave the can into the victims open door. As the pressure spews the cream out, it will spin the can and create a real mess.
Polish the floor and stick teflon to the legs of select items of furniture.
Butter all of the toilet seats and/or doorknobs in your wing of the residence. SlipSlip...
Get a lightbulb and remove the wire. Fill it up with Corn Flakes and flour. Hang it by a pulley and attach the rope to the door. When they open the door it will drop like a bomb. Be prepared to clean up...
Enter subscriptions in a neighbor's name to some filthy homo/bondage magazines you can find, and change his address by one so that another neighbor receives them. :)
For a pair of roommates, switch all or their possesions.
Tape together a bunch of sheets of newspaper to cover the victim's doorframe. Then tape a big sheet over the doorframe and leave a gap of about two or three inches between the sheet and the door. Fill the gap with paper balls right to the top of the d oorway. The victim will be showered with a barrage of paper balls. Obviously, the door has to swing in for this to work.
While someone is in the shower, take all their clothes and his towel and hang them outside. TeeHee...
When someone goes into the bathroom (or another room with a door that must be pushed open), tie one end of a rope or chain to the outside doorknob, and the other end to a fixed object like a dishwasher.
After making sure that the victim is out or sound asleep (if the victim is in make sure he can't get out), put a line of baby powder along the bottom crack of the door (or on a piece of paper and slide it under the door). Then use the blow dryer to sp ray the powder into a fine mist that will cover everything in the room. Messy...
Kidnap some small beloved object (teddy bear, etc.) or some embarrassing possesion of the victim (underwear, etc.). Once its owner has noticed it's gone, suspend it from a window in the dining hall, TV lounge, physics building, whatever.
Distribute a roommate's furniture throughout campus. Good reactions from everybody.
Once you have stolen a dormmate's room keys, reverse the lock (so the keyhole faces INTO the room). Then loudly announce to the victim you own the keys, but 'let' them win the race back to their room. Fix the phone to continually ring for an added eff ect.
Collect and stack a bunch of beer or coke bottles (make sure that they are glass) right in front of their door. Ring the door bell late at night so the occupants open the door and knock down the bottles. Crash...
If you have a week, fill a room with crumpled up newspaper or popcorn.
Pour vinegar in the open baking soda box and close the door. Mount Saint Whirlpool will erupt. Messy...
Put dry ice in the dish washer or washing machine and set the dial to 'Rinse.' Mount Saint Whirlpool will erupt again.
Take an old record album cover. Fill the insides with shaving cream and place it halfway under a locked door to the victim's room with the open end inside the room and jump on it. Messy...
Take someone's door and hide it for a while. You get great reactions from this one. They may not care at first but what happens when they want some privacy?
Subscribe your neighbor to a zillion different trial magazines. Especially ones that they wouldn't even dream to subscibing to.
When your victim is in their room, push on the door so that you can fit a penny between the door frame and the door. They'll be stuck!
Tie a string to the fire alarm's handle and neighbor's door. Knock on the door. DingDingDing...
Tie one end of a rope to someone's doorknob and tie other end to a doorknob across hall. Neither party will be able to leave their room. How long will they be able to bear their roommate?
In the winter, put a nice layer of water on the dorm floor and leave the windows open.
Get a few buds and tape a person up. Then leave. Packing tape works best and doesn't hurt THAT much when you rip it off. :)
Wait until lat on a school night. Get a friend and set up the room to look as if the two of you are busy studying for a test. Turn on some classical music at a low volume. Then, on que, begin jumping up and down and banging chairs against the floor. Y our dormmates living directly below you will go ballistic. After about 30 seconds, stop and return to 'studying'. The downstairs neighbors will come up to find out what's going on. What noise? Wait five minutes and call them (hang-up call) to make sure th at they are in their room. Then, repeat the process as many times. When you open your door, they should be sure by then that you are the culprit. Offer to help them find the culprit (this will really throw them off). Of course, YOU haven't heard anything, so they will most likely refuse. Repeat this prank periodically for maximum effect. The victim may begin to question their sanity.
In the early A.M. hours while it is still dark borrow something noticable from the house across the street. Put it in your victim's yard.
Leave old trash paperbacks around launderettes and other public places. Write inside the front cover: Property of Victim. I need this book for my thesis. If found, please return to address for a reward.
Post ads around town for a garage sale at an unexpected person's house.
Get a somewhat long spool of rope, and when walking down the street (acting official), get someone to assist you in measuring a distance. Pick a spot near a corner, go around, and find another person to hold the other end of the rope.
Put a paper bag with dog doo on the person's front step and set it on fire. Knock on the door. The victim will stomp it out.
Fill a plastic garbage bag with water, shaving cream, cologne, etc., until it's about 1/2 full. Place it right next to someone's door. When they break the bag when they open the door, be prepared to help clean up. Real smelly. :)
Remove everything from someone's room and set it up somewhere else exactly as it was. Try moving it to the roof of a building, front courtyard of the residence, or in the dining hall. How'd that get there?
Cover the doorway with paper, just paper. Let the victim open the door, find the paper, and break it all down. Do this as many times as you wish. The next time, paper the door and either place bricks or a trash can behind the door. By this time, he sh ould just walk through the paper. Donk...
Take a plastic 35mm film canister, paper punch-holes and a can of freeze spray (at fine electronics stores everywhere). Fill the film canister with about 1/4" of freeze spray then add punch-holes until the film canister is at least half full, replace the lid on the canister. Set the canister on a desk or shelf. When the canister pops it shoots paper all over the area. Different amounts of liquid causes it to pop at different times. Fun to fool around with.
Remove the drain pipe from the sink and put a bucket of water balanced above the door, ready to fall on him when he opens the door. They're too smart too fall for the old Bucket-On-Top-Of-The-Door gag, so they take it and empty it into their sink. :)
Shred about 5 complete newspapers and put them in a 5 gallon bucket of hot water. Pour it on the victim's lawn. If they try to wash it out it will stick to the grass. If they let it dry and try to use a lawnmower to get it out, it will cling to the gr ass.
Thanks to Pavlov, we know know about a reflex reaction caused by a continual stimulus and some conditioning. Now, somehow get a talking parrot and a grandfather clock. Try to babysit your friend's parrot or give him one as a gift. Now, make sure they have a clock that goes off on the hour (ie. Grandfather). Train the bird so that every night at midnight when the stiumulus (clock) goes off it will say:
"I've come for your soul."
You have to keep the bird in the dark and only sa y it once! Give the parrot to the victim and watch his tired face.
Get syringe without the needle and mix it with epoxy and rubbing alcohol. Now, within 30 minutes, fill a door crack or any thing else you want to stay in place.
Armor-All is only visible when sprayed on concrete (and dried) during a rainstorm (or lawnsprinkler). You can then write all you want about friends all over the neighborhood. It lasts for a good couple of rain storms.
Glue a quarter to the sidewalk.
Go into somebody's home and turn everything in the fridge upside down. They'll wonder about their sanity.
Write "SEX" as big as you can with Vaseline in someone's bathroom on their mirror. For double the pleasure outline it with toothpaste.
Epoxy glue doesn't dry without the hardener; it just stays sticky. So, be creative with it. Try the toilet seat, doorknobs, etc.. Since it can be washed off, the victim will usually visit the sink. Put some on the faucets, too.
To really smell up and smoke a person's room, put Limburger cheeseon a radiator.
Catch live frogs or toads and put them in mailboxes.
Fun Things To Do At The Office:
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk... "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me." "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!" "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress." "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." "The coffee machine is broken..." "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." " ... in Jesus' name. Amen." You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if... You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks. You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers. You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. You use acronyms in your sentences. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. It's dark when you drive to and from work. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. Art involves a white board. You're already late on the assignment you just got. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up". You read this entire list and understood it. Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha." Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one....
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!"
One day Skop was talking about how in his day they didn't have these high-tech toys they just had plain old action man. "In my days we didn't have these sissy toys we had action man, and I use to play with him all the time". Then grandpa skep butted in, "yeah and he still does play with action man *wink**wink*" to who skop replied "yeah but at least mine's not veteran action man who can't stand up without viagra"
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Adult Jokes yes little kiddies if you too young to read these don't, but like that will stop ya'.
A LITTLE old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them over to the checkout. The checkout chick said: "I'm sorry but we can't sell cat food without proof you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof you're buying it for your cat." So the little old lady went home, picked up her cat and took it to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day the little old lady tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof she had a dog. She went home and brought in her dog, and then bought the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier put her finger in the box and felt something soft and squishy. She pulled it out and said to the little old lady: "That feels like shit." The little old lady said: "That's right, dear. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
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This is our new banner.
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Sure it may suck like crap, but hey, I only did it 5 mins before I went to bed, so there.
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